Aloha, Josh!

                           

In Loving Memory

Joshua Kalai Nakata, 23

Mililani, Hawaii

 

                           

May you rest in peace.

You died doing what you loved most, surfing the North Shore's banzai pipeline.

I remember you jovially teasing Gary as Jessi walked up the path to your house carrying an Easter Basket.  I remember your Mom "borrowing" Jessi because Gary will not go to his football practice not unless Jessi was there . I can still hear you and Chaz giggling and chanting, "Gary has a girlfriend!" at the back of your Mom's van when Gary came with a Teddy Bear and flowers for Jessi when we got in a car accident.

I feel for your Mom and Dad, Belinda and Gary Senior, for I would not like to survive any of my children. I wish I could hug Gary, Chaz and Rose, your brothers and sister, for I know their hearts are breaking.

 Aloha!  Hope the surf's up always where you are.  

Live Your Dreams!

"There is nothing like dream to create the future. Utopia to-day, flesh and blood tomorrow. "

 

~Victor Hugo, Les Miserables, 1862, French dramatist, novelist, & poet (1802 - 1885)

 

             

 

To my son, an Anglophile, who can't wait to go across the universe:

 

You have my permission to explore the world whenever you decide to do so. I will miss you so much that I will be filled with anxiety for your safety and well being while you are away but I will get over it.

 

Writing this may be  premature because you promised me that you do not intend to live in England until you get your college degree.  I guess I am concerned about your plan of going on an European trip. Though I know you have a record of making good decisions, your great passion for English artifacts and culture scares the bejeesus out of me. 

 

You got it here in writing. I will never hold you back and will support your decision whatever it is. You can't take me with you but you can take my unconditional  love in your heart. I do not have to write it but I will anyway: I love you more than you'll ever know.   

 

Mom

Love is...

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal."

 

- C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves

 

 

              

 

Three Years Ago.

 

Me: Why do you push away those who love you the most?

Her: I do not know. 

 

A Week Ago

 

Me: He adores you. Why do you push him away?

Her: Because I am scared.

Me: Scared of what?

Her: Scared that I am not the person he thinks I am. Scared thatI will be a burden and a hindrance from achieving his goals, ambitions, and dreams. Scared that he will have to give up something he loves because of me. Scared that I could die young and leave him confused, angry, and lonely.  

Me: Have you discussed this with him? 

Her: No. I am scared to.    

 

 

"Advance, and never halt, for advancing is perfection. Advance and do not fear the thorns in the path, for they draw only corrupt blood."
-Kahlil Gibran

Happy Valentine's Day

                                       

Since you're away and I can't buy you your favorite flowers, here's the virtual equivalent of giving them to you today. Someday, I'll take you to Holland and buy you all the tulips you'll ever want in your lifetime!  

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Hear Me Roar!

 

I am Woman

by: Helen Reddy (1972)  

 

 I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

FADE
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

 

 

The Secret?

.

I read the book, The Secret. It is touted as "life changing." 

I like the book so I also watched the movie. That was a waste of time because the movie is the book, verbatim. The only thing added in the movie is the visual.

There's no secret in The Secret. The book renamed Peale's and Carnegie's concept of Positive Thinking and called it Law of Attraction. It's a mind over matter theory. 

I found a short clip of the book's concept on YOU TUBE and I thought it is share worthy. Watch it and tell me what you think.  

 

 

VAYA CON DIOS

 

 

I have not been here in a while.

 

A phenomenon called LIFE took over my blogging time. I accomplished a great deal of things that are important to me during my disappearance and some are still in progress but I am not here to showcase my achievements. I am writing an entry because sleep is eluding me tonight.  

 

My once grounded existence had been shattered by my mother passing away. She passed away peacefully in her sleep last night.

 

I now feel like I am floating in a surreal world. I am not in touch with my feelings. I am in a cloud of numbness. I cry constantly but yet I can not grasp the emotion that precipitates these tearful spurts. I am supposed to be sad. I know how sad feels but I do not feel sad. I do not feel anything. I am perplexed by the tears streaming on my face. I have no control over them. My brain refuses to access the files where my mother's memories are stored. I have no focus. My head feels like it is stuffed with cotton. My mind does not want to operate to its full capacity. Something is very wrong with my brain chemistry.  

 

This is so new to me. I did not feel this confusion when my father and my older brother died.  With their passing, I was more accepting.  After I let a out a good cry, I was able to reach closure and enjoy the great memories I shared with them.

 

I am bone tired and weary. I want to sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel like me again.

 

Somehow, I feel like I will never be the same again. I am puzzle with a piece gone forever.  

 

I am a babbling mess.

 

I do not want a pity party.  I am grasping every straw to keep my sanity intact right now. Writing this entry is a selfish endeavor. I am trying to do something that will help me sort out my situation.  Writing has a calming effect on me.  

 

Coherence is not my purpose here. I am merely aiming for mental clarity.