Friday, December 14, 2007


I have not been here in a while.
A phenomenon called LIFE took over my blogging time. I accomplished a great deal of things that are important to me during my disappearance and some are still in progress but I am not here to showcase my achievements. I am writing an entry because sleep is eluding me tonight.  
My once grounded existence had been shattered by my mother passing away. She passed away peacefully in her sleep last night.
I now feel like I am floating in a surreal world. I am not in touch with my feelings. I am in a cloud of numbness. I cry constantly but yet I can not grasp the emotion that precipitates these tearful spurts. I am supposed to be sad. I know how sad feels but I do not feel sad. I do not feel anything. I am perplexed by the tears streaming on my face. I have no control over them. My brain refuses to access the files where my mother's memories are stored. I have no focus. My head feels like it is stuffed with cotton. My mind does not want to operate to its full capacity. Something is very wrong with my brain chemistry.  
This is so new to me. I did not feel this confusion when my father and my older brother died.  With their passing, I was more accepting.  After I let a out a good cry, I was able to reach closure and enjoy the great memories I shared with them.
I am bone tired and weary. I want to sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel like me again.
Somehow, I feel like I will never be the same again. I am puzzle with a piece gone forever.  
I am a babbling mess.
I do not want a pity party.  I am grasping every straw to keep my sanity intact right now. Writing this entry is a selfish endeavor. I am trying to do something that will help me sort out my situation.  Writing has a calming effect on me.  
Coherence is not my purpose here. I am merely aiming for mental clarity.