Friday, December 14, 2007

VAYA CON DIOS

 
 
I have not been here in a while.
 
A phenomenon called LIFE took over my blogging time. I accomplished a great deal of things that are important to me during my disappearance and some are still in progress but I am not here to showcase my achievements. I am writing an entry because sleep is eluding me tonight.  
 
My once grounded existence had been shattered by my mother passing away. She passed away peacefully in her sleep last night.
 
I now feel like I am floating in a surreal world. I am not in touch with my feelings. I am in a cloud of numbness. I cry constantly but yet I can not grasp the emotion that precipitates these tearful spurts. I am supposed to be sad. I know how sad feels but I do not feel sad. I do not feel anything. I am perplexed by the tears streaming on my face. I have no control over them. My brain refuses to access the files where my mother's memories are stored. I have no focus. My head feels like it is stuffed with cotton. My mind does not want to operate to its full capacity. Something is very wrong with my brain chemistry.  
 
This is so new to me. I did not feel this confusion when my father and my older brother died.  With their passing, I was more accepting.  After I let a out a good cry, I was able to reach closure and enjoy the great memories I shared with them.
 
I am bone tired and weary. I want to sleep. I want to wake up tomorrow and feel like me again.
 
Somehow, I feel like I will never be the same again. I am puzzle with a piece gone forever.  
 
I am a babbling mess.
 
I do not want a pity party.  I am grasping every straw to keep my sanity intact right now. Writing this entry is a selfish endeavor. I am trying to do something that will help me sort out my situation.  Writing has a calming effect on me.  
 
Coherence is not my purpose here. I am merely aiming for mental clarity.  

7 comments:

fasttrack58 said...

Special thoughts...
Linda...

jibaro6543 said...

I am so sorry for your loss - Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers...
Keep writing if it helps you sort through what you are going through...scream, cry, laugh, jump up and down...just let your heart and mind lead you....time will sort things out for you!!!
If you need a lending ear or a shoulder...I am here just an IM away!!!
Peace--Ellie

barbpinion said...

I can't tell you how sorry I am, about the loss of your mother.  I'm so glad you wrote something, if writing helps. I am here for you too, even though I've not been by. Like you, I've been off my computer for some time, so am unaware of a lot that has happened in J-land. Please know you're in my prayers. Email me any time. And if necessary, ask for my phone number. I'll be more than glad to give it if it will help at all.
Much love and God bless you, dear one.
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

tpiez4me said...

Oh no!  See what happens when I'm late reading all my journals???  So very sorry to hear of your Mom's passing.  Prayers and hopes for you my friend!
Sharon

justaname4me2 said...

I'm very sorry to read about your Mother. I realize I am late here, but I do offer my sincere sympathy. Take your time dear friend, we'll always be here when your ready to come back. Wishing you a 2008 filled with good memories and times by your own design.

Thinking of you,
Rebecca Anne

swmpgrly said...

Im soooo sorry to hear of your loss.
I think the bond between a mother and a child is the strongest bond there is, so that may be why things are different than when you lose other loved ones.

tkelliher617 said...

Oh sweety Im so sorry.....I am so behind in reading all my journals I did not know this happened.  Please accept my deepest condolences, I cant say I know exactly what your feeling but can only give my prayers and support.  Death is a natural process but its horrible for the loved ones left here to grieve.  I can only say take one day at a time and cherish all of your memories.  You sound like your are still in shock and your body is reacting but its not real in your mind yet....Drop me a line if you ever need to talk or write to feel better.

Big Hug!!!!!
Tabatha