Sunday, January 16, 2005

My Not So Little Ones

I have not added an entry in a few days. Life had been a little busy. I was not able to go to the beach until today and I only went there because my son had to do a photo essay. He chose Edgar Allan Poe's, Annabel Lee, so he wanted some seaside pictures. We went to Pensacola Beach and he took some picture of the ocean and I did too. This little outing was wonderful because we had a chance to talk at length. He is still "bummed" by the fact that he did not get the lead role at the upcoming play at his school. He got the understudy for it and a guitar/vocal solo. Not good enough for my ambitious son. I had to tell him that he have to move on to more important stuff because he had been sulking about this lost role for a couple of days now. I love my talks with my son. He is still at that age where he is very honest about everything. I will miss our talks when he stops telling me about his disappointments, hopes and fears.

My daughter is home with a couple of college friends. They all have a long weekend off from school because of the Martin Luther King's holiday tomorrow. It is hard not to play Mom to all these kids because I know that they look like adults on the outside but they are really kids on the inside. All of them graduated from highschool last year. Last semester was their first time away from their families and their homes. My daughter tells me that I "baby" her friends. I admit to that. I do become a very hospitable host to her friends because I like these kids. They seem to have their heads where they are supposed to be. They are very intelligent and respectful. I am pretty sure that they have wild, rambunctious sides but they respect my home and my values when they are visiting. I love hearing them laugh and see them joking around.

 I like it that my daughter seems to be happy and have healthy relationships but I miss our time alone. She always have someone in tow when she comes around. I miss the days when we can talk about everything and anything. I understand that she is at the age where her peers are very important to her and I often scold myself for feeling left out in her life. I know she needed me at a different level now but I can't help but reminisce about the days whenI am her sole confidante.

My children grew up and my role in their lives changed. It was hard for me in the beginning to shift gears. I kept hearing my inner voice say, "But it is so comfortable taking care of all your needs. I want to be your hero. I want to save your day. I don't like being relegated to a guardian angel status. I want to do it all for you!"  I am learning how to keep that inner voice calm and quiet now.  I am acquiring another one who seems to be older and wiser. "You are not letting them go, you are letting them grow," it says.

15 comments:

barbpinion said...

This is such a lovely entry, reflecting your warm and caring heart, your concern for children, your wisdom. I think we moms always watch out for children. No matter how old they get  we still think of them as children.. I still sometimes refer to our children as kids. They laugh, and rightly so. The oldest is 49..the youngest is 30. Me? Ha! 68 and feeling every inch of it too. lol Hugs. *Barb
http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK

alphawoman1 said...

It is a very difficult thing to acheive.  I miss my little girl, yet I love my adult daughter too.

derasta said...

I can so relate to what you are saying...with my girls especially, they are needing me less and less and I feel that tug at my heart. We still have our great talks and all and the kids are very good to me, but I feel them moving onto a new life of other things in their lives...I know this is healthy and I need to allow them this space. My daughter will start college next year and I asked her to go to a local college because I couldn't bare her going away...I'm lucky that she agreed...I don't know how I could handle her living on her own in a different state...

ryanagi said...

"You are not letting them go, you are letting them grow," it says
I love that thought. Perfect.

blondepennierae said...

This entry fills me with sentiment.  The 'I remember's' of raising children are memories of life and it's evolving.  Beautiful!  Pennie

heyleesilentd said...

That is an AWESOME finishing line right there!
-Haley

justaname4me2 said...

Beautiful words. I'm just starting the journey into teenagehood with my first daughter. I very much see the wisdom in your ending sentence. I will tuck that thought in my mind as I start to see the independence of my daughter getting stronger and stronger. Very wise.
Rebecca

karensull12 said...

I'm feeling the same things.  I think at first I felt so lost and a little sorry for myself, but now I'm finding some different things to fill my time and my husband and I get to go places by ourselves now and it's fun...I think they will come back to me always and that's what makes it easier to let them go...

karensull12 said...

Oh and I forgot...I love Poe's Annabel Lee....I remember it from a childhood book of poetry that I still have....

lindainspokane said...

i am so jealous of u! just to go to the beach because u want a few pictures! wow, now if that isnt the life!  i love having my daughters friends over also...they are all in college and she brings them over to have dinner from time to time...since some dont leave near their parents they love being able to have a good home cooked meal from time to time...and they are all such a nice group of kids...i am having the same problem as u are though with letting my kids grow up...it is the hardest thing i think i have had to do in my life so far...i cry about it often...i miss my kids needing me...i miss them telling me their inner most secrets...but i think u summed it up very nicely...and i am going to remember that saying...and use it...that is if u dont mind...it is just so perfect for how i feel....hope u have a great tuesday...enjoy the beach while i enjoy freezing! LOL

linda
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LifewithLinny
http://journals.aol.com/lindainspokane/LinnysLuciousLickings

cneinhorn said...

what a  great entry...it's hard when they grow up...bittersweet, you're happy they turned into great kids, but miss the days where they needed Mom more....~JerseyGirl
http://journals.aol.com/cneinhorn/WonderGirl  

boiseladie said...

Wow!  Your entry really hit home with me.  I have two young adults (15 yr old boy and 23 yr old girl) and I'm having a hard time with changing gears!!!  Thanks for posting your feelings which sum up my feelings.

mom23nca said...

I can so relate to this entry. My son just turned 18 and will go off to college next year and one of my daughters is becoming a full-fledged teen now and doesn't want to be with me as much.  Spending lots more time in her room.  It is a very bittersweet time.

theduchessofdirt said...

Well...I'm jealous, I wish I could go to the beach. Instead, I look out and see three day old dirty snow. Yuck.
As for your daughter, although it must be hard, you really are doing the best for her by letting her seek her independence. From what you've said here, she has her head on straight and she will be fine. Don't worry...she'll still need you.

musenla said...

Ah, the empty nest sydrome.  So bittersweet, isn't it?  You see your children grow up into the kind of people you're proud of, but there's just a side of you that wishes you can arrest time or at least slow it down.

I think each stage of our children's journey to maturity has its own unique pleasures.  Just enjoy the here and the now, because those moments too, go pretty fast.  =P