Saturday, November 26, 2005

Bittersweet Memory

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." 

~ Neil Gaiman, as Rose Walker in Sandman #65

 

The passage above reminded me of my disenchantment with love long time ago. I hated love for a few years but a special man saved me from living the rest of my life as an old and bitter spinster. 

 

When I was young, my boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I walked away from both of them. I chose not to be a part their drama and refused to see them everagain. I was bitter for a while and it took a lot for another man to convince me that I will not be betrayed again.

 

My friends voiced concerns about my "man hating" tendencies. I told them I did not hate men; I just did not need unnecessary distractions at that moment. I was in denial. I did not withdraw from love but I approached it with Machiavellian bravado for self- protection. I kept men at arms length and scrutinized their intention to the minute detail. I feigned disinterest in their lives so I will not get attached. It took a while for me to be comfortable in a relationship. I dumped them or gave them cold shoulder as soon as I started liking them. I took care of not getting hurt again by being cynical. Only a few men with remarkable patience stayed around but not for long. I always succeeded in driving them away. Some of them thought I was vicious and heartless. I was even called "Ice Princess" and "Dragon Lady."

 

One person saw through my facade and challenged me to seek closure. "Someone hurt you real bad, huh? I know there is a wonderful person lurking behind that smirking face," he said one day. I employed my best defense mechanisms on him but he was persistent. The more I spurned him, the more insistent he became. He told me he was not going away until I showed my true color. Then one day, my annoyance turned into admiration of this man's tenacity.  I told him about my experience with loving someone. He told me not all men are the same. He said he had experienced similar betrayal. He helped me dismantle the wall I surrounded myself for a long time. He showed me that I do not have to hate love. 

 

           

                                                                  Single Lily with Red Note Card- Georgia O'Keeffe 

 

16 comments:

my78novata said...

yes its easy to let hurt rule your life. Its hard to open up.

sieblonde said...

You're lucky you found him... and he was (is) a smart man.  ~Sie

derasta said...

That is so sweet...and all men are not the same...that is so true. My first husband was so cold and had a bitter personality to him. My husband now, is so warm and loving...a completely different personality....and there is nothing so wonderful than being in love with someone.

sdoscher458 said...

That is a good story....with a happy ending.  You know when you love someone because you put his/her feelings ahead of your own.  Being betrayed is an awful experience...glad you met a good guy....Sandi

aiibrat said...

Neil Gaiman is awesome, isn't he? The Sandman series had some special nuggets of advice and observant views of the world in general.

Love.  It's hard.  Rewards are sweet.  But, why does have it be so ... ugh? -=)

mikev009 said...

That was a beautiful share.  I am happy for you and the happiness you share with another person. ~ Mike

queeniemart said...

What a beautiful entry.....amazing how our heart can be ripped in two and we dont think we can live another day with the true pain and an angel can come along and heal it with patience, kindness and honesty.
Lisa Jo

emeraldcalf said...

A very beautiful entry. You sound like a very lucky woman to have found him...We should all be so lucky.

~Heather

dotcomdiva831 said...

Wow...I was cleaning up in my garage and came across an old journal nd it was from my teen years and how i swore up and down this boy LOVED me and so forthbut as i rad it more and more it was truly infatuation and not love...i had to laugh being as though back at 17 I thought i was in love but now as a married mother of 3 I can truly say and really mean that I am in love with husband...lol...Great entry...


Smooches
*Kisha*

ryanagi said...

It's nice when love comes and saves us from ourselves. :-)
http://ryanagi.blogspot.com

ladyhasflava said...

Isn't love something....soo bittersweet...So true...hmmmm.but its nothing like sharing it with someone who giving it geniunely back...GREAT ENTRY!! FLAVA

jtuwliens said...

Bittersweet, yes, bittersweet...  This went straight to my heart!
Judith

tillysweetchops said...

What a truly heart-warming "love story" this was.

So glad you found happiness together.

Tilly x

thegirlnexdoor77 said...

I know I have. lol.  This was interesting. glad to stumble accross your journal. Terry Ann

barbpinion said...

Ah, your man got under your skin just like mine did. My sweet Johnny had a mighty tall wall to tear down, but he managed. This was a terrific entry. I'm so happy to know you've got a special man to love you, one who knows what love really is.
Hugs
Barb- http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/HEYLETSTALK
        http://journals.aol.com/barbpinion/THERESTOFTHESTORY

teesbabe00 said...

Hi,

Sorry for responding late, but I wanted to thank you for the comments in my journal.

Hope your enjoying the beautiful Florida weather and the beach :) It is 30 degrees here with snow on the ground.

I will stop by your journal, .

Tanya