I am an aimless gondolier. I traverse the mucky waters of the canals of Venice with foreboding...
I have not written anything substantial in a while. The mood was just not right and my creative juices are not flowing. I write a paragraph or two a day on a story I have been working on for a while but when I go back to read what I have written, I have this overwhelming sense of malcontent that I just want to delete everything and start all over again.
I have written a couple of poems about things that concern me lately but somehow I am not happy with the outcome. It is true that I often revisit my writings and revise them a few times before I deem them “good enough” but lately I am suddenly filled with a perfectionist attitude. When I write a poem, I worry about the iambic pentameter. When I write a story, I envision my English college professor with a red marking pen, scolding me about my run on sentences and dangling participles. I recently dug my Little Brown Book, a didactic tome about written English, seeking resolution of my recent unhappiness. I thought reading chapters of it would infuse me with some writing confidence and get me back on track. No, it did not. On the contrary, I used it to nitpick everything I have written.
I used to be so unconcerned about established rules and regulations. I have expressed myself in writing without regards to its conventions. Why am I suddenly bothered that my writing does not measure up to what the English language experts deem appropriate? Is it because reading the brilliant writings and well executed passages in other journals made me feel inadequate? Is it that old age finally caught up on me and my brain is trying to reform me of my rebellious writing ways?
This is not me (should I write, “This is not I” because then it would be grammatically right?). I do not want to be reformed. I want to write the way I want to. I want to be able to say once again that I write for my own enjoyment so it does not really matter how I do it. I hate being insecure and whiny. I know this too shall pass, but I want it to pass RIGHT NOW.